weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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