Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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