What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
