Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
How external is "for external use only"?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
