u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
