More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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