Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize