The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
