It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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