apparently the secret to your success is patron
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
