how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
