One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
