Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
