I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
