She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
