this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
