She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
