You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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