I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
