Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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