yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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