I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
