You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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