I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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