I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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