I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
