Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sext me about skeletons
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
