we have pet lesbian snakes
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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