last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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