I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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