at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
