I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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