Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
