Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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