I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
