Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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