If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
