Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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