Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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