I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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