I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
