I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
