does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
