At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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