I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
