I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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