yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
