All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
