he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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