im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
