he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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