I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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