it wasn't lemon gatorade
I faked an abortion last night.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
