If that was your dad, he is hot
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
