I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
