sarcasm needs its own font
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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