I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
