You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
