just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
