mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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