I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
