you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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